Living With Anxiety: The Fence 

I'm trying a new thing, maybe even a spot of  vulnerability, maybe just the therapeutic thing that I need, maybe a thing that puts me in a spot where someone else who understands, is able to help. Anyhow a new thing. I may be the only person that will ever read these blog post, or maybe many will read them. None the less, I'm trying a new thing, a thing that I hope will somehow help me as a person. It may even open a door for others to help that otherwise wouldn't be able too. Or maybe, just maybe, a post, or a though of mine, or even an experience of mine, will be an ah-ha moment for someone else. 

This weekend we went camping for Jacksons 10th birthday. We bough an RV this past fall, and we have really enjoyed using it. Anyhow, I woke Melissa up at 1am Saturday night\Sunday morning,  I just had to get something of my chest that had been festering since Friday afternoon. I didn't just wake her up to talk, no, I woke her up crying. 

Okay lets back up 1 week earlier. We got a family dog for Christmas this year. Our 32 year old fence needed some major repairs. Okay major repairs meaning, a complete tear down and new fence built. We got 2 of 3 sides of the yard done last week,  with the help of two of my brothers, 5 nephews, two of my boys and my father-in-law. Okay, well that depends on your definition of done. There is still a gate that needs to be built and some mending of the fence that was built. Anywho, the 3rd and final side didn't get done because the neighbor was being difficult. He was actually out of town last weekend but his adult daughter was being difficult. So we have all the material to build the fence but decided to hold off until we can talk to the actual homeowner. On Friday when I was at work and Melissa was getting ready for our camping trip, the homeowner came and talked to Melissa and basically gave her his list of demands on how he wanted the fence built. ( Mind you we paid for the entire fence. ) He made up laws, that I don't think exists. ( I could be wrong ) Anyhow we decided just to leave that fence alone , as it is actually in decent repair. That one was just going to be for cosmetic purpose more than anything. 

But Melissa called me to tell me about the conversation and I wasn't in a position where I could really talk at the time. I was working in the field. A few minutes later, as I was driving I tried to call Melissa back to finish our conversation, but now she couldn't talk. Of course a few minutes after that, she called me back, but..... I think you get the point. So when I got home and as we were hurrying to get the RV packed so we could leave, I tried to talk to Melissa about it, but there were four excited kids who wanted to get on the road and well..... again you get the point. So, I decided to just let it go and enjoy the weekend and figured we would get back to that conversation on Monday, or whenever. 

Well this fence project was on my mind all afternoon Friday and all day and nigh Saturday. I was really upset by this neighbors demands. But I just tried to suppress it and wait till Monday. Finally, at 1 am on Sunday morning, I woke up Melissa. By now, it had weighed down on me so much that I was crying. Seems like such a stupid thing to reduce a grown man to tears. Anyhow, we laid there in the RV for an hour and a half  ( till 2:30 AM )talking about this. 

This seems so trivial ( even to me ) but with the anxiety it was eating away at me for a day and a half. Not wanting to talk about it  during our camping experience, I tried suppressing it, even though it was constantly pressing on my mind. I just had to get that frustration off my chest, but didn't want to  bring that negativity to our trip. But, because I was trying to wait till Monday it was eating away at me. This made my life difficult. 

I know it seems like such a ridiculous thing to most and even to me. But until I could finally talk about it, it was destroying me inside. That anxiety just takes over and makes a small problem into such a major problem. Sometimes such small problems that would be a small nuisance to most, feel like life altering problems to the person with anxiety. 

Even still, it bothers me  and probably will until there is some kind of  resolve. This neighbor did tell Melissa on Friday, that he plans to sale the house in May. I figure after he moves away, that will be when the resolve will finally come. Until then, the material for that portion of the fence will be sitting in my backyard.  

Anyhow anxiety can at times be crippling. I have been seeing a therapist for 6 months now which has absolutely been helpful. I have learned a lot on how to control the anxiety, but still have my moments My therapist has told me that the anxiety will tell my brain that a situation is much worse than it actually is. There never has been a more true statement.  

I have self diagnosed myself with so many terminal illness's that's it's not even funny ( okay it is kinda funny ) . I have done that my whole life and look at age 42 I'm still alive. Funny thing about these self diagnoses of terminal dieses, is that even though I have convinced myself that I'm going to die soon, I have never had anxiety about death. But, about once a week,  I tell Melissa of a new terminal  cancer that I'm convinced that I have. 

This was quite the rambling tonight. It is likely that I will be the only person to read these post because of the rambling nature of my writing. But that's okay too.